still watching :)

Hey guys in Vegas for a week for work, so I won't be posting as much, but I'm still watching films. Thursday was horror and I saw shark night 3d, yesterday was drama and I watched the reef,  tonight is thriller and I'm not sure what I'm watching. expect movie reviews as soon as I can.

Movie #002: 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Wednesday January 2nd: Sci-Fi


       This is shaping up to be a bad year. In the spirit of sharks all around I have decided that this first week will be the week of sharks. So why not 2-Headed sharks? "This looks like fun" I said to myself, and then I saw Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan's names. Then, after a quick cry and few shots I buckled up and prepared for the worst. So here we go. The movie opens with two attractive women water skiing, a bunch of guys are in the boat taking pictures, drinking, and everyone is having a great time; until a 2-headed shark decides he's going to spoil the fun and consume every person there. This opening scenes only purpose is to show us that this shark means business, and that it in fact does have two heads. The movie then wastes no time in moving to the next "story point", and yes I'm making air quotes as I type that. we are then introduced to 23 students and staff on a "semester at sea"...wait, let me rephrase that...we are only partially introduced to 23 characters, because only a few of them are named. Yes, that's right TWENTY THREE characters and I can't tell you who was who. However, throughout the course of this 90 minute travesty most of the characters get names; sadly it's much to late for anyone to care. Our main players are Charlie O'Connell (following his brother's footsteps in the "something in the water wants to kill us" franchise) who plays Professor Babish the ship's captain and the student's professor. We also have Carmen Electra who plays (and I kid you not) the ship's doctor and captain's wife Annie Babish, and finally Brooke Hogan who plays Kate. I say plays because Brook plays about a believable a character as the shark plays a believable pigeon. So our baseball team of characters are instantly shocked as their boat hits a giant shark carcass, which then becomes entangled in the motor. This causes the 2-Headed shark (which will hereby be called the super shark, because it's less ridiculous sounding) to notice said boat. The super sharks damages the hull of the ship and causes our "heroes" to abandon the boat and head to a nearby island. If you watch this movie you'll hear the main characters call it an Atoll, well that's because the writer doesn't know the difference. Mainly that an Atoll is a ring-shaped coral reef or a string of closely spaced small coral islands, that enclose or nearly enclose a shallow lagoon; also, an island is an island! Our characters slowly get killed of in dozens of ways, each more preposterous than the last. About half way through the movie the super shark starts destroying the island by...smashing the coral...that supports it? Essentially turning the island into a giant raft with a hole in it. This sets our heroes off to the task of killing the shark, in one of the most unexplained endings I've ever seen. The real problem with this film isn't the bad acting, don't get me wrong this film has enough bad acting in it to feed a small country. The problem is that this movie contradicts itself all the time, one moment a character says "we're safe the shark can't get us in shallow water" this happens moments after the shark murders 3 people in shallow water, water to shallow for the shark to swim in. There is a googleplex of instances where this occurs. What really makes me sad is that if the writing were better I might actually care about some of these characters...but I can't. Most of them are bland two-dimensional shark food flavored cut outs, merely awaiting there turn at the double maw of the mega shark, where they will go out with a one-liner or two. Get it? Or two...because the shark has two hea- wait. Never mind.

The Good: The only gem here (despite all the eye candy) is the fact that it's a fun movie to riff to. I despise talking during a film, but I couldn't stop talking about the effects, the impossible ways people were dying and at one point the shark opens up his mouth and you can see the gills from inside his mouth.

The Bad: The acting? The ending? The bad science? The fact that the shark changes size multiple times? The fact that the writer/director/cast don't understand spacial difference? I can't pick one so lets go with the whole movie. 

The WHAT THE HELL?!?!: The shark attacks. There's lots of close up shots with people in the shark mouth and then shots of the shark under water (empty mouthed) only to cut back to close up shots with people in it's mouth.

What I learned: Carmen Electra likes to pose a lot. Which is probably why she's a horrible doctor. After seeing what can only be described as a bruise on the captains leg; her immediate reaction is "we have to get you to a doctor".

Final rating: 1.5 out of 10

Xavier

Movie #001: Blue Demon (2004)

Tuesday January 1st: Action


       Damn...here I was hoping to get the ball rolling on this with a fun action adventure movie with sharks. Instead I have blue demon. This movie feels like it was filmed with a budget of $45 dollars...Mexican dollars and not the (estimated) $650,000 USD. While that may sound a bit harsh, it's hard to talk about this film and NOT be angry. Not only is the plot- what's the word I'm looking for? Unbelievable? Ridiculous? Far-fetched? Cockamamie? Yeah, lets go with that one. Not only is the plot cockamamie, but the acting, camera shots, and score follow suit. I'm getting ahead of myself, lets start with the story. Apparently the government is loosing the battle of protecting our borders from terrorist, so they decide to fund project "Blue Demon" headed by scientist Marla (Dedee Pfeiffer), and Nathan (Randall Batinkoff) Collins. The purpose of this project is to train great white sharks to protect our borders from terrorist. Just in case you missed that, they are training GREAT WHITE SHARKS to protect the U.S. borders. How you ask? By having them search for nuclear suitcase bombs...you know, the kind that terrorist dump into the ocean. Oh, they have also engineered them to be able to survive in both salt, and fresh waters. From here on out the movie is a train wreck of contrived plot devices that were used better in other movies. A shark got out of the fenced in area? Check. The obligatory telling the kids at the beach that there is a shark, only to have them disbelieve you? Check. Oh! what about when all is said and done, when we are finally trying to rest, we missed a shark? Check. Woven into this plot is also the fact that the Marla and Nathan are going through a nasty break-up. A break up that the actors, writer, sharks, and extras can't even make me care about. So much time is spent trying to connect all of the dots of this crazy plot together, that I don't care about the main actors. Even Danny Woodburn (who plays their annoying, high-strung boss Lawrence Van Allen) can't save this movie...and I love Danny Woodburn! If all of that wasn't enough, and believe me it is, The score of this film is terrible. Often popping up at the most inopportune times, always with the wrong tempo, and feel, and just...everything. A score should add to a movie, set the mood...this one misses the mark completely. They even do a Jaws "homage", and I use that term in the loosest of ways. The sound effects are bad as well, often times the sharks sound like planes, or cars. The camera angels are, also for lack of a better term, silly. I cant even get into the rest of the plot because it's just so...sad. I always try to find something good to talk about in a movie, but with Deep Blue- wait, sorry...with Blue Demon I've got nothing. I searched far and wide for something, anything to make this movie meaningful, and I got nothing. All in all the film is just Cockamamie. Cockamamie has a nice ring to it, also I never get to use the word. So, I guess that was good. Thanks Blue Demon.

The Good: Woof...Ummmm...I guess this is a good movie to watch with some friends and riff to it. Actually, as bad as it was I had a nice time pointing out the plot holes, and just making fun of it.

The Bad: The script feels like it's struggling to be something it was never meant to be...a movie. 

The WHAT THE HELL?!?!: The look on the extras at the beach. Imagine this..."OH MY GOD! A SHARK JUST ATE THAT LADY!!!"

Aaaaaaaand scene.


What I learned: Movies can always get worse than you expect.

Final rating: 1 out of 10

Xavier

Lets try this again

New year, new mindset, new chance to do this again.

This last year has been filled with lots of ups, downs, and in-betweens. After surviving two raptures and the end of the Mayan calendar, I'm geared up and ready to take another crack at this blog. So hopefully I'll get through this.

My genre line up is this:

Sunday: Romance/Romcom
Monday: Comedy
Tuesday: Action
Wednesday: Sci-fi
Thursday: Horror
Friday: Drama
Saturday: Thriller

The same stipulations apply I have to see a new movie everyday, either through Netflix, Blockbuster, Hulu, a bargan bin video place, or good old fashioned Television. Wish me luck everyone.