Wednesday January 2nd: Sci-Fi
This is shaping up to be a bad year. In the spirit of sharks all around I have decided that this first week will be the week of sharks. So why not 2-Headed sharks? "This looks like fun" I said to myself, and then I saw Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan's names. Then, after a quick cry and few shots I buckled up and prepared for the worst. So here we go. The movie opens with two attractive women water skiing, a bunch of guys are in the boat taking pictures, drinking, and everyone is having a great time; until a 2-headed shark decides he's going to spoil the fun and consume every person there. This opening scenes only purpose is to show us that this shark means business, and that it in fact does have two heads. The movie then wastes no time in moving to the next "story point", and yes I'm making air quotes as I type that. we are then introduced to 23 students and staff on a "semester at sea"...wait, let me rephrase that...we are only partially introduced to 23 characters, because only a few of them are named. Yes, that's right TWENTY THREE characters and I can't tell you who was who. However, throughout the course of this 90 minute travesty most of the characters get names; sadly it's much to late for anyone to care. Our main players are Charlie O'Connell (following his brother's footsteps in the "something in the water wants to kill us" franchise) who plays Professor Babish the ship's captain and the student's professor. We also have Carmen Electra who plays (and I kid you not) the ship's doctor and captain's wife Annie Babish, and finally Brooke Hogan who plays Kate. I say plays because Brook plays about a believable a character as the shark plays a believable pigeon. So our baseball team of characters are instantly shocked as their boat hits a giant shark carcass, which then becomes entangled in the motor. This causes the 2-Headed shark (which will hereby be called the super shark, because it's less ridiculous sounding) to notice said boat. The super sharks damages the hull of the ship and causes our "heroes" to abandon the boat and head to a nearby island. If you watch this movie you'll hear the main characters call it an Atoll, well that's because the writer doesn't know the difference. Mainly that an Atoll is a ring-shaped coral reef or a string of closely spaced small coral islands, that enclose or nearly enclose a shallow lagoon; also, an island is an island! Our characters slowly get killed of in dozens of ways, each more preposterous than the last. About half way through the movie the super shark starts destroying the island by...smashing the coral...that supports it? Essentially turning the island into a giant raft with a hole in it. This sets our heroes off to the task of killing the shark, in one of the most unexplained endings I've ever seen. The real problem with this film isn't the bad acting, don't get me wrong this film has enough bad acting in it to feed a small country. The problem is that this movie contradicts itself all the time, one moment a character says "we're safe the shark can't get us in shallow water" this happens moments after the shark murders 3 people in shallow water, water to shallow for the shark to swim in. There is a googleplex of instances where this occurs. What really makes me sad is that if the writing were better I might actually care about some of these characters...but I can't. Most of them are bland two-dimensional shark food flavored cut outs, merely awaiting there turn at the double maw of the mega shark, where they will go out with a one-liner or two. Get it? Or two...because the shark has two hea- wait. Never mind.
The Good: The only gem here (despite all the eye candy) is the fact that it's a fun movie to riff to. I despise talking during a film, but I couldn't stop talking about the effects, the impossible ways people were dying and at one point the shark opens up his mouth and you can see the gills from inside his mouth.
The Bad: The acting? The ending? The bad science? The fact that the shark changes size multiple times? The fact that the writer/director/cast don't understand spacial difference? I can't pick one so lets go with the whole movie.
The WHAT THE HELL?!?!: The shark attacks. There's lots of close up shots with people in the shark mouth and then shots of the shark under water (empty mouthed) only to cut back to close up shots with people in it's mouth.
What I learned: Carmen Electra likes to pose a lot. Which is probably why she's a horrible doctor. After seeing what can only be described as a bruise on the captains leg; her immediate reaction is "we have to get you to a doctor".
Final rating: 1.5 out of 10
Xavier
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